Con CERN

A few days ago I was reading about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). The LHC is intended to collide opposing beams of protons in order to prove (amongst other uses) the existence of Higgs Bosons. Apparently it is the biggest and most expensive machine ever built- some 27 km in circumference.

Already there are fears that once activated, something will go awry, and the LHC will create a black hole or cause some other catastrophe that will end the world.

What I wonder is if perhaps the LHC is in fact an unavoidable and essential requirement for the creation of our Universe.

By this I mean, what if it is in fact this particular experiment which is responsible for the creation of our Universe in the first place, and which it has done so since time immemorium. What if the time and space continuum has looped itself around and we are at that point again when the LHC starts up the Universe?

So, in essence, what I am suggesting is that there is no choice but to fire up the LHC. It may be a pre-determined event necessary to the creation of the universe.

Three point buck

Two hunters are on their way home from the tavern when the car comes to a stop at a traffic light. The man sitting in the passenger seat looks towards an open field and says: ‘Look! A three point buck, Jesus-Christ and the prophet Muhammed.

The two men are looking at each other in disbelief when the driver exclaims: ‘A three point buck! Shit! The rifles are back in your truck!’

Utilitarian phrase

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on Saturday, July 28, 2007

Re: Tories' 'new' slogan is getting old, July 26.

I think Canada's "new government" should change its name to "same old, same old government." This would lend it an air of continuity and business as usual. As it is I wake every morning saying, "What? We have a new government? Has there been a coup?" Then I remember I'm not in Ecuador.

Better still why not call it "The government of Canada"? It's got a nice utilitarian ring to it and can be re-used by any "new" government.

It took courage

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on Saturday, September 29, 2007

I completely agree with columnist Dan Gardner's assessment of Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and that Lee Bollinger, the president of Columbia University, did the world a favour by letting Ahmadinejad expose his true colours.

I also have no qualms about Mr. Bollinger's so-called insulting comments prior to letting Ahmadinejad have the floor. Just because someone is the ruler of a country doesn't entitle him to respect. With that kind of logic, one would have to speak respectfully of Idi Amin and Pol Pot.

Mr. Ahmadinejad clearly showed his untrustworthiness by denying his antipathy towards Israel and by his denial of the existence of homosexuals in Iran.

It took great courage for Mr. Bollinger to invite Mr. Ahmadinejad as was evident by the fury the invitation caused.

I only hope that the doors leading to the hall where the hall where Mr. Ahmadinejad spoke had clear signs warning that the hall "May contain nuts."

Wabbit Season

Category: Newspaper article

I sent this article to 'The Ottawa Citizen' on Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Sometimes I feel like we live in a cartoon world. On Monday Dalton McGuinty (a.k.a. Bugs Bunny) took a page from Jean Chretien’s Little Red Riding book and stood there, wiggling his whiskers, promising Ontarians a day off in February if re-elected.

Rightly so John Tory (Daffy Duck) found the promise dessspicable.

What are we Elmer Fudds (the electorate) supposed to do? Armed with the knowledge that the wiberals deceived us in the past, just as the conswervatives did before, we’re forced to say ‘Gee fewas I’m just going to shoot you both’.

One small jog for man

I was driving along the Ottawa River Parkway one morning when I saw a jogger, in the already sweltering morning heat, stopping to wipe his face on his T-Shirt and stretch his leg against a fence post.

Here I am sitting in the comfort of my air conditioned gas guzzling car, driving my wife to work, and here’s this guy making me feel guilty about it.

To quote Yosemite Sam in the Warner Brother cartoons ‘Aw hates joggers!’*

Thinking about the jogger later on, , my mind harkened back to the Appolo 11 mission to the moon.

I had a vision of Neil Armstrong, having just set foot on the moon, standing near the shuttle stairs after the Eagle had landed, one extended protective spacesuit arm holding an American flag** planted in the lunar soil , uttering the famous line - That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind - when all of a sudden a jogger wearing shorts and a T-Shirt stops right next to Armstrong, puts one foot on the stairs to tie his shoelaces, then proceeds to dry his face on the flag before jogging on. Armstrong stands there dumfounded.

That about sums up my feeling about joggers.

____________________________________________

* I don't really hate joggers. It's just the guilt thing.

** Actually at that very moment there was no flag. Armstrong spoke the words when his foot touched the surface of the moon. However as this is inconvenient to my story I had to alter the facts.

To quote Bugs Bunny, ‘Oh! Well.’

Andrew Cohen’s Ottawa

Category: Newspaper article

I appreciate Andrew Cohen’s effort to make us see what Ottawa could be even if, at least judging by the Citizen excerpt of his new novel, it is by way of saying what it isn’t.

When one has traveled to places like Paris or London, or even lived in a grand capital such as Washington DC like Mr. Cohen has, it is difficult not to draw observations about the city you live in now.

I recall former prime minister Chretien toying with the idea of building a Grand Alley along Metcalfe street to Parliament Hill. Now that was a grand idea. Not bad for ‘le petit gars de Shawinigan’. Of course it was never going to happen. This would have meant tearing down a few buildings and changing the status quo.

Thanks to the publicity The Citizen has given Mr. Cohen, through its rather harsh rebuke of many of Mr. Cohen’s comments, more Ottawans will pick up Mr. Cohen’s book and perhaps the seed of grandeur, that Mr. Cohen wishes for this city, will be planted.

No safe limit

Category: Newspaper article

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on July 17, 2006

In the light of the recent statistics on worldwide deaths attributed to tobacco, letter writer Lisa Vida sure picked the wrong horse to back when she complained about being asked not to smoke by another person at an outdoor concert.

Very damning reports have also come out regarding exposure to second hand smoke. We now know that there is no such thing as safe exposure to second hand smoke, any more than there is such a thing as a pee free section of a public swimming pool.

Openness trumps

Category: Newspaper article

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on May 08, 2007

Re: 'A slap in the face' to Quebecers: Bloc MP, May

Gatineau Bloc Quebecois MP Richard Nadeau says that the lack of fluency in French of the new National Capital Commission chairman, Russell Mills, is a slap in the face to "Québecois."

Retired NCC chairman Marcel Beaudry was bilingual but ran the NCC as if it were a private men's club. Communicating the aims and activities of the NCC to the common folk of either language was definitely not his strong suit.

Mr. Mills has vowed to open up the NCC business. Whether he is bilingual or not, I'll take Mr. Mills any day, "s'il vous plaît."

Zero Not Equal zero

Category: Newspaper article

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on Saturday, May 22, 2007

It’s a shame most of the voting population in this city were too old by the time New Math was introduced. The people who voted for Larry O’Brien would have understood that zero does not in fact mean zero. This works in much in the same way that 50 Km per hour really means 70 Km per hour and 100 KM per hour really means 120 Km per hour.

People really have to watch out for these things. It gets really confusing.

Attack Ads

Category: Newspaper article

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Having seen the Conservatives' attack ad against Stephane Dion for the first time, I wish "that the pleasure had been indefinitely postponed" in the words of Alastair Sim playing Scrooge.

From the ad's content, I got the impression that the Conservatives were saying "Hey! Don't look at us. These are Liberals bashing Liberals here." How dumb do the Conservatives think Canadians are? It seems they haven't learned from the fiasco with negative ads about Jean Chretien's partial facial paralysis.

American-style attack ads don't bode well here. Better money would have been spent if the Conservatives had outlined their accomplishments during their tenure as a minority government.

Business as usual

Category: Newspaper article

This story was published in 'The Ottawa Citizen' on Saturday, March 10, 2007

Re: Blame soot, not global warming, for wicked B.C. weather, March 6.

Scientists are now blaming coal smoke from Asian industrial countries such as China and India for the intense Pacific storms that, among other devastation, have caused so much havoc in British Columbia recently.

When emerging industrial nations such as India and China were not required to reduce carbon emissions under the Kyoto protocol because of their late entry as industrial nations, one had to wonder if this arrangement was not merely a convenient out for advanced industrial nations to continue doing business as usual, through free trade, with countries where wages and standards of living are much lower than their own.

Just like the planet Earth itself, what goes around comes around.

Kitchen Sink

Category: Humour

I went to the curb to put my garbage out and noted that my neighbour across the street had thrown out a kitchen sink but nothing else!!

I stared puzzled, thinking 'Is he allowed to do that?'