Cow Tools

Category: Humour

Every year for about two months leading up to Christmas (Oh! Excuse me THE HOLIDAYS) you see these ads on TV for tools targeted at woman as gifts for their husbands at Christmas ( I can see Rhonda pulling a pair of pliers from her tool belt, her eyes narrowing, as she reads this story).

Relax. Let us assume for the sake of this story that tools are generally the purview of men OK?

Now this brings me to the title of this story and answers to your two question: ‘Why is this story called Cow Tools’? and ‘Is this guy suicidal’?

Here goes… the tools advertised around Christmas are what fall in the category of what I call ‘all purpose, not found in nature, useless tools that no self-respecting man would use’.

No man wants one tool to do a bunch of things. How can you open up your toolkit with other guys standing around and have them stare at The-Only-Tool-You’ll-Ever-Need-9000 sitting all by its lonesome, like the new born baby Jesus, at the bottom of your toolkit. You’d be laughed out of town.

The other problem is that these things really don’t work. They are all predicated on that as*hole Butler who invented (coincidentally enough) the Butler screwdriver that noisy piece of sh*t that requires you to fish around for one bit, then unscrew the end, then put the bit in, then screw it back in, then zzzzzz!.

Gary Larson creator of ‘The Far Side’ cartoons had a great insight into this. In what is probably considered his most controversial work he drew a cartoon where a bunch of cows stood around a table looking at cow tools (no Rhonda.. I’m talking about tools for how-now-brown-cows. Put those pliers away), a bunch of misshapen metalic forms, the purpose of which no human could possibly understand.

So. The stuff you see on TV! Those are cow tools.